A Web Home to Call My Pwn!

Well, dear readers (Jane),

I have officially purchased a domain name and hosting from DreamHost. A buddy suggested it as an alternative to the grotesquely sexist GoDaddy.

While I have asked a friend for help, I'm going to try to hammer out this bad boy myself. I also accidentally purchased a month of Phone Service Help for $9.95.

So, between those things and my awesome 1999 Geocities web design skills, I will have my site up and running in no time!

One Year in Texas Person of the Year

A few weeks ago, I watched the Katy Perry propaganda movie, Part of Me, with my friends Jake and Beth.

It was fantastic.

On his blog/online magazine/writing thing, One Year in Texas, Jake articulates the greatness of Katy Perry and why she is their Person of the Year.

I highly recommend clicking the link and checking it out.

Winter Sunset

Yesterday, I was driving to the gym in North Peoria and noticed the glaring sun setting the trees on fire.

Not literally.

But the orange light was incredible.

The best Golden Hour I've seen in a long while.

Nostalgia Trip

Streets of Shanghai

Shanghai

Dan, my Shanghai buddy

Roadie to Oregon

Nebraska

Wyoming

Utah (I think)

Eugene, Oregon + Slow Shutter Speed = Impressionistic Oregon

Eugene, OR

On the Square, Washington, IL Jan 2009

Rockit's Pizza, Bloomington, IN

Show at the Bluebird in Bloomington, IN

It's Official

I am now a free agent.

Due to various circumstances, I have left my job.

It was on good terms though.

My boss said "If you need anything, if I can help you in any way, please let me know."

I have had people say this to me before and I'm always befuddled by their offer.

What are the boundaries of what I can ask of them?

Can I just ask them to give me another job?

Can I ask them to magically find something for me that will let me use my intelligent and witty repotoire (I have high self esteem)to be a useful and contributing member of society? With health insurance!?

I wish things weren't so murky.

On the Road Again

 After Friday, I will no longer have a job and my head is just spinning with excitement over having these next few months free to travel.

First things first: M. Mo in Colorado!

Next, a picture retrospective of my final days in Seoul. I'm missing it pretty hard right now.

The sky outside my apartment...Photoshopped, obviously ;-)

Buddy that I miss!

View of Namsan Tower from the Noksapyeong bridge

Kimchi pots on the way to HBC

Misfortunately named Brunch place in Hapjeong

Wine and European cheese party in Sven's art den

Sven has a car for the night!

Cruisin in the Mok-dong

Self-portrait in the subway

Some favorite buddies

Me and Ms. Nam at the symphony- Beethoven

The building where we saw the symphony

Moving to Itaewon

Yum Yum Yum

View from M. Mo's ap-pah-tuh (apartment)

The Evolution of Diwali

As a kid, Diwali was always kind of a pain.

Months of dance practice and awkward partnerings with boys from the community. Getting the right dress for the dance, or each dance, depending on how many dances we were in for the year.

It was all for them. We were put through this torture to entertain our parents. Diwali was their holiday and after 8th grade(ish), I wanted no part of it.

They could go and celebrate it with the India Association of Peoria and I would go and hang out with my friends.

Now...Diwali seems to be seeping into American culture. Perhaps, most notably, thanks to the "Diwali" episode of The Office.

As an adult, Diwali is glaringly mine to carry on and celebrate in the best way I know how. Last year the aunties would complain about celebrating Diwali in the States and how it wasn't as fun here. I've never celebrated a Diwali in India. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

However, there has been a sharp shift from the childhood associations of torment I used to carry from the festival, to a feeling of  family,warmth, light and love.

I think those two years alone, cold and hungry in Korea helped reinforce these warm, happy Diwali feelings.

So, for that, Korea, I thank you.

Also, I guess I have Obama's America to thank as well. More Asians were elected to political office this year than any other year.

Tulsi Gabbard, freshly elected to Congress, will be taking her oath on the Bhagavad Gita.

Thanks to her and many others "this pesky Hinduism thing" that I've always had to tend to is filtering into the mainstream American landscape.

What a relief.

I will leave you with this:

I don't know whose cake this is or why I'm blowing out the candles.

The captivated audience

Months of practice

Pre-show channeling of Stevie Nicks, even though I didn't know who she was then.

Friday Shout Out

I would like to take this time to give a shout out to my Israeli fan(s).

I've had a sudden uptick in hits from Israel on this blog as well as my Korea blog.

So, keep reading my lovelies.

I will try to deliver.

Dancing Around the Elephant in the Room

Every Tuesday I run the company Brain Trust meeting.

This is where the executives get together to asses the health of the company. It's jolly good fun.

This morning, I got to dance around the topic of the Election with one of the Suits.

"I voted this morning. Did my civic duty. It only took five minutes" he said. "I feel sorry for the people who will be waiting in line for 4 hours later."

"Oh, great!" I replied.

"Did you vote yet?" he asked.

"Yep! I voted early."

"Oh yeah? I should have done that. I just hope that whoever wins, they figure it out quickly tonight."

"Yeah, me too. Hopefully it doesn't become a mess and go on for days," I said.

"My daughter is voting in her first presidential election today," he said.

"Oh! That's exciting!" as I almost told him about how I disappointingly voted for Kerry in my first presidential election back in '04.

But that would have ruined our delicate dance around work-appropriate political conversation.

Recluse Nation

I came across this Rolling Stone article yesterday in my Twitter feed.

The intro paragraph:

The Nineties as a musical era started late and ended early — kicked in by the scritchy-scratch power chords of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," ushered out by the doomy piano intro of ". . . Hit Me Baby One More Time." Anti-pop defeated by pop — full circle, all apologies. You've heard the story.

...struck a proverbial chord about the nineties and the pre-Napster era. My generation is the last generation to know a world without the internet and pirated entertainment. I feel pretty lucky, as I consider those born after 1989 to be generally entitled, self-absorbed and somewhat useless. 
 

Being a music fan back in the pre-digital age took a certain amount of dedication. Going to a record store in a new town was filled with possibility and mystery. Finding that rare imported single with the scarcely heard b-side was a thrilling prospect. 

Each record store held that mystery.

It made being a pretentious hipster a full time job and legit if the effort, money blood, tears, and sweaty obsessive fan dedication to scour the depths of the music bins to find that rare gem to round out your personal music collection. 

Today's music lovers are have it much easier. Now its all about who can use the torrents and find new sites after the old ones get shut down.

If you miss a concert, it's probably uploaded on YouTube. Between that and various music blogs, a fan can not feel like they missed anything by not going to the show. This, I suppose, contributes to the recluse culture that seems  to frustrate my roommate.

I wonder if this digitization of culture, being able to get everything online, either live or after the fact, has contributed to the reclusing of young people.  

Life Stuff

I've been informed that I should start looking for another job.

This is a bummer and kind of makes me want to die.

But it's also exciting and I'm glad I'm being pushed out of my comfort zone.

However, right now, the bummed and dying feeling is overwhelming.

I kind of feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill when she drags herself into the Pussy Wagon and is staring at her atrophied legs and says "Wiggle your big toe," and she eventually wills her legs into working.

That's kind of how I am right now. Even though I want to curl up and feel sorry for myself, I have to will myself to do things, like make lunch, walk to the car, do my work while I still have a job.

Fun fun! Can't wait to be past this phase.

Joe Klein: Author, Columnist, "The Man"

A few weeks ago, I went to see Joe Klein speak at the Bob Michael Student Center at Bradley University. You can read the write-up here by my buddy, Where's the Frank dot com.

He gave a fantastic lecture which was called: Politics Lost: Searching for Sanity in an Era of Political Consultants, Talk Radio, Cable News and the Blogosphere.

This lecture looked particularly appealing to me because I've been avoiding all the political hoopla this year. I didn't really watch either of the conventions andI haven't been following the Daily Show or the Colbert Report.

He gave a great talk on the media and how it affects politics, his experience with the military and how they will make great leaders, being embedded in Iraq and Afghanistan, how a woman would be president soon because he thinks we are the "grown-ups" in society these days.

He ended with a reminder on how we are so lucky to be Americans and how we don't see how fortunate we are as citizens and how we should be more involved in our government. How it will make us more informed as citizens.

It was a great lecture.

I bought his book and was excited to tell him the parts of his talk that really resonated with me.

I told him my name and thanked him for speaking so earnestly and that I had just moved back from South Korea and had a chance to meet all kinds of people, military, expats, etc. and agree that America is an awesome country.

And he said "where are your parents from?"

"India"

"Where in India?"

"Bangalore," I replied, feeling kind of awkward because he wasn't really receptive to what I had to say.

"Your people have done a lot of good for this country."

"Thanks...?"

"A lot of good."

"Yeah," and I quickly walked away because I was embarrassed because he didn't listen to anything I said or was trying to say. He made me feel like an "other." Like he's the patriarchal establishment of America and on behalf of his ancestry, he thanks "my kind" for our contribution.

Which, he's not WRONG.

You're not WRONG, Walter, _________. 

Free dinner if you can fill in the blank.

Do I Smell a Husband?: Craigslist GOLD

"I'm not going to draw up a big detailed ad for this one or post pictures (ok maybe just one). My house has many bells and whistles included for one lucky lady who would like to be my girlfriend. Sounds crazy right?

You won't be disappointed. I'm looking for an Open Minded adventurous smart Attractive woman who wants to settle down with a responsible 30 year old man who has a great job and many assets to offer. I'm 5'9, 190 lbs, and athletic. I'm only looking for someone who is a first shifter. I usually have to be in bed around 10 or 1030 and up anywhere between 515 and 715 in the morning (just depends on the workload). I value my sleep highly.

If you think you want to take on this incredible offer just text me your best pictures and we can go from there (what do you got to lose?). I will text you a few pictures of me and the house. We can go on a date or two and if it feels right we can talk about the room situation. No pets please.

Thanks for your interest and may the odds be ever in your favor!

Justin"

He included a picture of the bed and pictured above, the ceiling above the bed, which had a flat screen tv.

That's kind of awesome and also a little sad. Also, I'd be afraid of the tv falling on my head in my sleep.

Flip Flop Flap

I still haven't re-friended that ex-boyfriend.

I thought, "what if I go to all the trouble of sending him a nice, sheepish message, re-friending him and then realize I still can't stop obsessing over his page to an unhealthy degree and have to block/unfriend him AGAIN."

I have a de-friend limit of once. I don't want to be a multiple de-friender.

So, we are at a stasis.

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Today is friendship photo day! This is a present I found at a store in Peoria on Sheridan during First Fridays.

I forgot the name of the store, but there aren't that many cool places in Peoria, so I'm sure you will figure it out if you want to know badly enough.

It's old timey Mustard powder. I saw it and had to buy it.

It even sounds like there might still be powder in the tin! I'll have to check it out.

Life Lesson #1,748

Do not write a bad Yelp review about the only cafe within walking distance of your workplace and then order breakfast sandwiches from there at least two times a week.

National Book Award Finalists

I was reading about the National Book Award Finalists on Salon.com, when I came across the non-fiction finalists.

Katharine Boo, a writer for the New Yorker, has been nominated for “Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity”, her "journey in an Indian slum."

WHEN will these slum stories end? And WHEN will people stop getting awards for them?

Now, I haven't read her story. It's probably a well-written, heart-wrenching story.

Sure, 2004's Oscar-winning Born into Brothels was really good.

Yeah, I enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire.

But when are people going to tell the other stories coming out of India?

A book I started, but haven't finished is Sideways on a Scooter. This book tells the tale of a journalist who just picks up and moves to India. I can relate to her isolation and loneliness of being in a foreign country so far away from everyone you love. The book also delves into modern India. The rise of the middle class; call center jobs that are giving rise to women to be more financially independent in a landscape where the choices were extraordinarily limited.

Where's the story of this new India, people?

Memories....

Fond memories of my moving-out drama in Korea.

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me.

Glad to know I'm not the only one.

Foot in Mouth Disease

Hmm...it appears that when you block someone on Facebook, it automatically de-friends them.

I suppose the ball is in my court now to sheepishly re-friend them.

Blah.

Privacy Settings and Facebook

So, a few months back, I decided to block some ex-boyfriends.

I needed time to grow, move on, etc... It's a good move. I highly suggest blocking exes. It's good for the soul. Helps the moving on process go a lot faster. How can you move on if you're obsessively checking their page, hoping for new signs of life and signs that they are miserable without you? And then when you see the pics of them smiling with their new girlfriend, thus confirming that there is life without you...that's no good. No good at all. Block that shit.

I decided to un-block one the other day. I decided seeing his activity wouldn't cause my stomach to drop anymore.

Turns out, he DE-FRIENDED ME! Can you do that? I blocked him! How could he defriend me while I had him blocked?

Doesn't make sense.

And it kind of annoys me.

Life Moments

I went to the Fine Art Fair on the Riverfront this past Sunday.

It was quite pleasant. The weather is usually great and a whole bunch of artists come in to show their stuff.

I bought a couple pairs of earrings from two different vendors. I like these artsy fartsy jewelry vendors. Makes me wish I made jewelry.

Anyway, I'm getting over a cold, and when I was in one jewelry tent, I made a big show of turning away from the jewelry and sneezing into the crook of my arm. I was so preoccupied with turning my head away, I missed the crook of my arm and was caught off-guard by the girl standing there. I sneezed in her general direction.

She looked like a Bradley girl from Chicago. I don't know how I know, but I feel like these Bradley girls from Chicago all have a "look": Slightly pudgy from drinking a lot of beer, a little too brown from fake tanning, flat ironed hair, neatly put together and the look on her face that suggests that she may have just farted.

"Bless you," she said out of obligation and annoyance. She walked away.

I was slightly embarrassed, but I've found that as I've gotten older, I care way less about small things than I used to. It's incredibly liberating.

Well, I ended up being on the same tent trail as this girl. I kept running into her over the course of the next 45 minutes. Unintentional, a little uncomfortable, but overall, hilarious.

A Reflection

It's almost been one year since I've returned to Peoria. Not only to Peoria, but to the U.S.

I lived in Seoul for 2 years of my life.

I consider myself pretty lucky. I moved back, underweight and unemployed, but just barely squeaked by in getting a pretty nice job right before my 29th birthday.

What have I learned in this nearly one year of being back in Peoria?

Patience. (Cue the G 'n R)

I've learned that I can get what I want (sometimes), but sometimes I just have to wait for it.

I have a deep love/hate relationship with Peoria and as much as I detested the idea of living here any longer than 6 months, I have made some refreshing lemonade.

I love the people I know here. I love having my family close (it's a blessing and a curse, but I'm going for the positive right now) as well as the strong, loving Indian community of Peoria everywhere I go. It's SO nice and cozy after a somewhat desolate and isolated feeling I got towards the end of my Korea tour.

I did love living there. It was a great experience. Glad I did it.

But I am so glad to be back home.

I'm excited for my next adventure (Chicago! with any luck), but who knows what will happen? I might decide that becoming a trapeze artist in the circus is my next calling in life. I always did like sequins.

So, stay tuned...

Life and Love

I once had a crush on a guy until he told me his favorite bands were Nickleback, Creed and Coldplay.

Am I a snob?

But no, I can't take someone seriously that seriously listens to these bands. I would just keep rolling my eyes until they got stuck in the back of my skull.

So there's that.

A Sober Observation

Last weekend I was out with two dear friends. One is an old friend from high school who now has a child. Between his work schedule and child, I never see him.

He had a rare night off work early and sans child, so we hung out.

I had two drinks initially, but stopped after that, as I had things to do the next day. With my irritable gut and all that, I didn't want to tempt fate.

I ended up hanging out with these dears until 4:30 in the morning. I watched their descent into shitty drunkdom all the whilst, remaining stone cold sober.

I sat in Ulrich's until after last call and listened to my friends profess their love for each other (both straight men) and talk very intensely about everything.

If I was drunk with them, I might feel just as intensely about their conversation and time would be irrelevant. I wouldn't be sitting there feeling every minute pass by and waiting for them to get to some kind of point or have an epiphany.

If I didn't love this dear old friend of mine so much, I would have gone home much earlier.

But it was an interesting change of perspective.

Blog Your Own Adventure!

It will actually kill me if I try to finish something. So, in order to preserve my precious life, I'm asking YOU to help me finish this story! Like literary Exquisite Corpse.

If anyone actually does this, please remember to give credit where credit is due and link back (or paste back) on this site so I can see what's become of these adventures.

Happy writing!

Franklin Elven Sr was a man of simplicity and truth. This was the reason that his sons were named the following: Elven Elder, Elven Middle and Elven Younger. His sons were born with spry bodies and nimble fingers, swift enough to remove a seam before you even finished asking for its removal.

Except Elven Middle. He was born with a cloven thumb. Somewhere along the lineage, some she elf let a centaur throw it in her. They called it love and married against the wishes of the village. They were extradited from the community and so were three out of their four children. The fourth child had remained mysteriously uncloven and was blessed with the swift nimble fingers the elvenkind craved.  She was allowed to stay in the village.

This was many generations ago, but the defective gene had remained hidden until now.

Since the days of the centaur scandal, the little elven community had become a bit more progressive and allowed “the others” to live within the village limits, as long as they were helpful. Everyone was put to work.

The Fungus Among-us

Peoria people:

Do NOT buy produce from Shop 'n Save, formerly Cub Foods in the Big Hollow shopping plaza.

Yesterday, I bought some raspberries. As I was paying for them, I noticed a big fuzz of MOLD growing on one of the raspberries. So I pointed out the mold and asked the cashier if I could just exchange it for another one.

She offered to go exchange it for me, but I said I would go myself. I wanted to pick through the selection and find the lease moldy package possible.

However, ALL THE RASPBERRIES HAD MOLD OR SOME SORT OF PRE-MOLD ON THEM.

My mother has been warning me about Shop n' Save. I guess it's time to listen.

Woe is my purse

I knew better than to put that open snack pack of Fudge Stripe cookies in my purse.

Not only do I have melted chocolate now, but cookie crumbs as well.

Grumble grumble.

To South Korea and back again

My report on my time in South Korea was posted on the PJStar's Minding Business blog yesterday.

Check it out!

Psychotherapy and Batman

I came across this story on NPR, called "The Id, The Ego and the Superhero: What makes Batman tick?" An interesting little piece to get us all excited for The Dark Knight Rises which will be opening later this week.

From there, I discovered Dr. Robin Rosenberg, Ph.D., ABPP. She has done extensive research on Superheroes and their psychology. It is absolutely fascinating.

I recommend following the above links and reading about her. From her website, you can get to her blog which has some excerpts from her book "What's the Matter with Batman?" An Unauthorized Clinical Look Under the Mask of the Caped Crusader.

The Power of the Tag

The most frequently viewed post on my Korea blog is the post entitled "Pixxx." I suppose the Triple X at the end aided in all those hits.

Surprisingly, it is only the most frequently viewed page by only one click.

Society is redeemed.

TGIF

Now that I'm working in the corporate world, I've realized how important Friday-culture is.

Every Friday feels like a small victory. There is a camaraderie in the office, as if we are all congratulating each other for surviving another week without having a meltdown.


I used to scoff at the idea of Casual Friday, back when I was an ignorant child whose only exposure to it was on the television. Now, I revel in the comfort and lack of stodgy-ness my Friday wear brings.

Although now, I no longer look forward to the Full House, Family Matters, Step-by-Step and big closer, 20/20, line-up, TGIF has never sounded sweeter.

Korea

I still get occasional hits on my South Korea blog.

I can track this through the analytics tool Google offers. The latest visitor to my site got there by searching the phrase "big butts in south korea".

Another visitor (or perhaps the same visitor) is from the Ukraine. 

How many is too many?

The other day, I overheard a conversation at the gas station between two elderly people.

They knew each other and hadn't seen one another in awhile.

"I've got 37 great-grandkids," she told her friend.
"I've got 74," he replied.

THAT IS A LOT OF DAMN CHILDREN.

Adam SADler

      Adam Sandler's "That's My Boy" releases this Father's Day weekend.

 I really wish he would stop wasting my life by making movies.

I fell in love with this:

A Visit from the Goon Squad

I've been reading "A Visit From the Goon Squad" by Jennifer Egan. It won a Pulitzer. Although, not this year, because no one was good enough.  (Snobs)

The book is a series of vignettes of intertwining characters and it goes between past and present. It details the exuberance and coolness of their youth and then flashes forward to present day with their baggage, anxiety and general decay.

My favorite line that sums up the idea of the book (in my opinion) is:

(describing a junkie couple)

They were huddled up against each other, looking haggard and sexy the way young people can for a little while, until they just look haggard.

 

Number One Single

I hate when a band puts their hit song as the first song on the album. It gives me less incentive to listen to the second half of the album.

The most recent offender of this is the Alabama Shakes.  In the past, years have gone by before I've listened to the second half of a record because that band chose to put their single in the number one slot on the record.

However, I think Siri understands me. When I asked her to play the Alabama Shakes today, she chose a random song on the album and didn't start from the beginning. 

I also think I may be a bit distracted from the Alabama Shakes album because of a last minute download of The Lumineers.

I'm really digging that album. Their song "Ho Hey" caught my ear on that Blue Moon commercial. and the love affair has continued ever since.

Siri even corrects me. Like when I said, "Siri, play 'Hey Ho' by the Lumineers," she replied with "Let's listen to Ho Hey-

I need real friends.

Note to Self

When wearing khaki's and a white top, it is dangerous to drive and eat chicken McNuggets while dunking them in BBQ sauce and trying not to stain aforementioned clothing.

Almost as dangerous as texting while driving.

Cease and desist immediately.

New Music for an Old Bag

Recently I took a good friend's advice and listened to the Alabama Shakes album. Apparently they are real hot right now, he said.

I'd heard their single "Hold On" on my favorite Peoria radio station 99.9 WWCT and was curious.

However, their name, "The Alabama Shakes" kind of sounds like a degenerative nerve disease.

What to Write?

I've been asked to write a blog post for our local newspaper about my travels.

What should I write about?

-The weird re-adjustment period upon returning home

-Meeting North Korean defectors

-Expat life in Seoul

I'm also open to suggestions.

A Week in Pictures

A rose from our garden

Blackbird Cafe in MPLS

We saw a wedding at the park

A lovely afternoon stroll

This guy caught a carp, took a photo and then threw it back.

Mama duckie and her chicks

The end.

Say What?!

Laxative-free colonoscopies you say?!?

Mental Note #375

When wearing heels, the distance from standing position to the toilet seat is further than usual. Proceed with caution.

Life

Today I saw a beautiful pale yellow butterfly.

It's probably covered in disease.

Shaq Fu

 

I have recurring dreams that I am best friends with Shaq. Yes, Shaquille O’Neal, the 7 foot 1”, 325 pound (according to Wikipedia) former basketball player. 

I recently told this to a group of friends and they wanted to know if it was because I was somehow latently attracted to Shaq. 

However, these dreams are not even remotely sexual. I just truly believe that Shaq is probably an awesome person and it would be great to have him as a best friend. In my dreams, our schtick is the fact that he is so large and I am so small. It’s hard for me not to see Shaq on television without picturing my diminutive self next to him. 

Let’s look at the reasons that I presume Shaq to be so full of awesome: 

1.     He got drafted to the NBA and got some spotlight on him for his size as well as his skill, winning Rookie of the Year in 1992-93. He led his team, the Orlando Magic, to the NBA Finals in 1995. 
2.    With his fame, he decided to release some rap albums as well as star in some movies. His first album, Shaq Diesel, went platinum. He even had a guest rapper spot on a song with Michael Jackson.
3.      Shaq pursued an acting career with credits including: Blue Chips, Kazaam, Curb Your Enthusiasm. 
4.    He has appeared in numerous video games 
5.    He majored in business at Louisiana State University, but left after his third year to pursue his career in the NBA. He later returned to complete his bachelor’s degree at the request of his mother. He completed an MBA from the University of Phoenix and most recently, completed his PhD in Education at Barry University. His thesis: “The Duality of Humor and Aggression in Leadership Styles.” He told an ABC reporter that he plans to pursue his education further still by attending law school. 
   His pursuit of education shows that he is well aware of his inevitable demise as a celebrity. He knows he will have to have some sort of skills to survive in the real world. Good for him. 
   
   
   All in all, I admire the guy. He got famous and attempted to do everything his little (ginormous) heart desired: rap, act and be educated. 
   
   
   Good for him. Let him be an example for all of us.
   
   

Supermoon...and then some.

Cinco de Mayo Supermoon

Did you guys see the Supermoon Saturday night? It was pretty beautiful. I drove around the Wildlife Prairie Park area to get away from the "city lights" of Peoria and saw a shooting star! I took it as a good sign of things to come.

UPDATE: That shooting star was full of shit. My run of "good luck" lately has included the following:

1. Passing out at the eyeglass store and being taken away in an ambulance
2. Getting a speeding ticket 2 seconds after pulling out of McDonald's
3. Spending 24 hours worried that I was losing my vision after a stupid optician told me my retina was about to fall off
4. Confirming that there are indeed abnomalities in my retina, thus signaling that I am on the precipice of rot and decay

A Letter to Dave

Dear Mr. Sedaris,

            It was a pleasure meeting you this past Friday. I have to say, I was elated when I was driving home from your show at 12:45 a.m. after standing in line for two hours and I pulled out my brand-new, autographed copy of “Squirrel Meets Chipmunk” and saw that you had written “To R: Your story has touched my heart, David Sedaris.”

            Which story was it that touched your heart? It wasn’t the story about East Peoria and how it’s taxes are separate from Peoria's, was it? Because, if you are referring to that story, I will have to read that inscription in a completely different light.

            Was it when I told you I lived in Korea and you mentioned how lonely it can be? And I said something to the effect of “Yeah…” in a really high-pitched voice and then continued talking as if I wasn’t lonely at all while I was there, but yes, visitors, not including myself, have been known to find it quite lonely.

            I wanted to tell you so many more stories. Like the time I had a partial colonoscopy in a South Korean hospital.

They wouldn’t give me drugs.

            I tried explaining to them ahead of time, before the enema, that this procedure would be a lot smoother if they just knocked me out.

            “Koreans don’t used sedation for this procedure,” my doctor said, laughing nervously in quiet but halting English.
             "I'M NOT KOREAN!" I wanted to scream.

I lay crouched in the fetal position on a metal tray-like bed while the doctor chased my scared asshole with a slender camera. After about 10 minutes of this, the good doctor had still not managed to put the birdie in the hole.

He finally got frustrated and told me I could have the drugs, but it would cost an extra $75 and I would have to sign a release form.

“Ok!" That was probably the best bargain I found in Korea.

I also wanted to tell you about my friend J** and how she enjoys going to taxidermy shops too. She would have loved your story about the severed arm and the fourteen-year old girl’s head in a bag.

            So many stories, Mr. Sedaris! Perhaps next time you come around we can catch up properly. Until then,

            Your friend and fan,

                        R