Sunday, April 22, 2012

A Letter to Dave

Dear Mr. Sedaris,

            It was a pleasure meeting you this past Friday. I have to say, I was elated when I was driving home from your show at 12:45 a.m. after standing in line for two hours and I pulled out my brand-new, autographed copy of “Squirrel Meets Chipmunk” and saw that you had written “To R: Your story has touched my heart, David Sedaris.”
            Which story was it that touched your heart? It wasn’t the story about East Peoria and how it’s taxes are separate from Peoria's, was it? Because, if you are referring to that story, I will have to read that inscription in a completely different light.
            Was it when I told you I lived in Korea and you mentioned how lonely it can be? And I said something to the effect of “Yeah…” in a really high-pitched voice and then continued talking as if I wasn’t lonely at all while I was there, but yes, visitors, not including myself, have been known to find it quite lonely.
            I wanted to tell you so many more stories. Like the time I had a partial colonoscopy in a South Korean hospital.

They wouldn’t give me drugs.

            I tried explaining to them ahead of time, before the enema, that this procedure would be a lot smoother if they just knocked me out.
            “Koreans don’t used sedation for this procedure,” my doctor said, laughing nervously in quiet but halting English.
             "I'M NOT KOREAN!" I wanted to scream.
I lay crouched in the fetal position on a metal tray-like bed while the doctor chased my scared asshole with a slender camera. After about 10 minutes of this, the good doctor had still not managed to put the birdie in the hole.
He finally got frustrated and told me I could have the drugs, but it would cost an extra $75 and I would have to sign a release form.
“Ok!" That was probably the best bargain I found in Korea.

I also wanted to tell you about my friend J** and how she enjoys going to taxidermy shops too. She would have loved your story about the severed arm and the fourteen-year old girl’s head in a bag.

            So many stories, Mr. Sedaris! Perhaps next time you come around we can catch up properly. Until then,

            Your friend and fan,


1 comment:

  1. The best deal in Korea is the McDonald's delivery. and drugs for colon work.

    Mr. Sedaris would love to read this. Perhaps a written letter is appropriate. I wish I could have hugged him...but that may be creepy.